Twilight: A Love Spoof
by lj-1993
Summary: A collection of Edward and Bella's diary entries from when they break up to when they go slightly NUTS.
1. Chapter 1

I love Bella so much that in the future I plan to assassinate her and then stuff her so that I can have her in my bed for ever. The only other person I love that much is Emmett but he says he would rather be suffocated by a sweaty armpit than be stuffed and having to remain in my bed. Personally, I would prefer the armpits too. Without deodorant.  
I greeted Bella by nibbling her cheek today until some of her salty blood gushed out. She smiled gleefully and spat in my face, calling me a bitch. I love it when she calls me that.  
"Get your pups out," I screamed innocently at Bella. She found this offensive for some reason and stood with her mouth wide open, so naturally I stuffed it with leaves.  
"Smoof clee charroomp." She said with screaming eyeballs. I love it when she speaks French.  
"I want to break up with you." She repeated. I did not want to, as it happened, therefore I removed her shoes and vomited in each of them, filling them up to the rim. It looked like they were filled with chunky vegetable soup, which made me hungry.  
"Hey Bella," I said, "Wanna go get your grub on?"  
"You're a vampire, you moron." I was confused by this. So? "You can't eat." Ah. I playfully whacked her round the head, and instead of sulking, she 'pretended' to sleep.  
"WAKE UP YOU FRIGGIN' WHORE." I screamed like a little school girl. To pass the time and stop people looking at the blood slowly trickling out of her ears, I fondled her boobs. As the hours flew by, my hands started to cramp so I stopped. Bella woke up.  
"My breasts feel freezing." Yeah they do, I thought. I am such a sexual predator that I turn myself on sometimes. I felt slightly embarrassed at that moment when I realised my bra strap was showing. Also I realised someone had taken my trousers and underwear.  
"Goodbye Edward," Bella said in such a low pitched voice that I died a little inside. She plunged her feet into her shoes making a pleasant squelchy sound.  
That is what happened today. Good night – I am going to lay on my bed and think about World War One.

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**A/N I actually love Twilight as much as Edward loves Bella and Emmett, but this spoof is entirely for FUN. I am TheEntertainer26 and in this spoof I will be writing Edward's diary entries whereas lj-1993 will write Bella's. Smella. Hella. Fellah. Bella. Please do not take offense from anything that is written.**

**And by the by, I hate vegetable soup.**

**Good night.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

I love Edward. He's so… flowery. Yes I said it. I went there bitch. Omg, I just thought of something. What if I were to break up with Edward? Last time I did that he just sat there eating vegetables out of Emmett's laundry basket. I didn't even know vampires ate soup. I didn't think they could eat.  
I was wearing my TEAM JACOB t-shirt when I went to meet him. The look on his face was so adorable. He looked like he was going to cry. And then he nibbled my cheek. What a weirdo. So I rubbed it in his hair. He went SCHITZ.  
"WHAT THE HELL!" He screamed.  
"THAT'S FOR EATING MY CHEEK, YOU BITCH ." I shouted back, shooting him in the armpit. Bright green paint started to drip down.  
"Get you pups out," He screamed at me. How dare he! I was so shocked I just sat there wth my mouth open.  
"Smoof clee charromp." I screamed just as he stuff my gob with leaves. LEAVES! WHAT THE FUCK!?  
"I want to break up with you." I screamed again, so loud my eyeballs went to the back of my head. Its times like this when I wish I had an eye like Mad-eye Moody.  
Then he vomited into my shoes. Great big smelly, chunky globs of parsnip and rhubarb. It made me hungry. I love parsnip and rhubarbs. Oh my god! He looks like a horribly demented squirrel! His rabid eyes made me so horny it fuckin' HURT.  
"Hey Bella, wanna go get your grub on?" What. The. Hell!  
"You're a vampire, you moron." God, he can be so dumb sometimes. He gave me such a confused face. Aw, he looks so adorable when he looks confused.  
"You can't eat," I finished.  
Next thing I knew, I was standing in the middle of the safari desert. WHAT!? Why the hell am I in a desert? Oh cool, there's bright green unicorns. What are they munching on? Mmm, parsnip and rhubarb soup. Yummy.

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**Ok, so I had better do this whole disclaimer thing. So we don't own any twilight things that Stephenie Meyer does.  
I'm so proud:)**

**Toodles xx**


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